July 2011
4 posts
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Milk Story
I was born unto expectation. When my father (non-biologically speaking) met my mother (biologically speaking—I was all up in that womb) he was a mid-30s divorcee with two grown kids and a desire to spend his middle years free of the most resistant form of STD—children. I can’t say I blame him. In some ways kids are worse than a venereal disease. He never had to take herpes to see...
I have come to the decision that the next time Mormons come to my door and ask, “have you heard the word?” I am going to enthusiastically reply, “about the bird?”
After hours of scouring the internet I have come to a conclusion. The last vestiges of America the future alien explorers will find impressive is not our skyscrapers—they will have taller buildings—not our government—they will have a more advanced one—but they will bow to their knees in amazement and say, “these people found a way to jerk off to everything.”
June 2011
16 posts
The girls at Kilroy’s today need less tits or more shirt.
I think I love converse shoes because I hate ankle support.
9/11 inside handjob?
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I'm Not Gonna Lie
I don’t know when that phrase became a indispensable preamble to Facebook statuses and Starbucks chatter, but it’s just one of those bullshits phrases that distances you from anything you might say next. However, unlike phrases like “No offense, but…,” it isn’t ever followed by an opinion that matters or is controversial. At work last Sunday I asked the girl...
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Friend: Are you seriously not going to come to the (high school) class reunion?
Me: What? No, everyone hated us. Why would you want to go back to that?
Friend: Even some Jews went back to Auschwitz for sentimental purposes. And this is just a high school reunion for fucks sake.
Me: Yeah, but the difference is when the Jews went back the fuckin’ Nazis weren’t there.
I really...
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To get reggae fans to cut it out and stop denying the claim that every song is the same, I am going to have reggae night at a bar and tell everyone I have amassed the great reggae mix ever and then just play “Buffalo Soldier” 73 times and finally they will cut the shit; and peace may reign. You’re welcome America.
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Every time I sell books for beer money I picture my sperm hanging themselves. Tonight is one of those nights.
The problem all my ex girlfriends had in common is that they all strangely loved whack-a-mole. But, if you can picture it, instead of moles they were other dudes’ penises and instead of mallets they used their mouthes.
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At work yesterday I called a number looking for an “Akeelah.” When the guy said she wasn’t home it took every ounce of me not to say, “can I speak to the Bee then?”
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I think when Lincoln said, “whatever you are, be a good one,” he meant everyone except presidential assassins.
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When my mother asks if I’m looking into graduate schools around the country, I always say, “yes.” But what I really mean is, “no, but 2 weeks ago I wiped day old regurgitated chili off my cheek with a pamphlet entitled ‘Indiana University graduates….on the road to excellence!’ And thanks to my English literature background I was able to appreciate the...
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Ultimate Set List Wednesday (June 1, 2011): Bob...
In my spare time I imagine the perfect set list for my favorite bands/artists. They’re not just my favorite songs slapped together, but composed in an order that I think would be amazing.
This week I had the daunting task—in terms of the tasks middle class white people do—of tackling the 1000+ Dylan songs on my computer to find a reasonable amount to cram into one dream set list....
May 2011
3 posts
I am fucked if my girlfriend ever leaves me
Last Friday my friend was talking to a girl in this local bar. She was a pretty, smart brunet with interesting anecdotes. So, apparently having been mistaken about the exact wording of the idiom my whole life, in trying to seem polite and cool I said, “well, aren’t you a WHALE of knowledge.” As soon as I said it aloud I realized it couldn’t be right, but there’s no...
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Photo Unload Monday (May 30, 2011)
Starting a bit of a new regimen (i.e. the only one I’ve ever attempted) for posting on here. I take a good deal of pictures on my iPhone of my adventures in failure and I’ll try to post a few of them each Monday. This is a bit backlogged and encapsulates most of May and some of April. Also, these aren’t meant to be artistic or display any kind of talent. They’re more a...
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April 2011
6 posts
6 tags
Song of the Day (Covers Week Edition): "Sea of... →
When I’m on long car ride by myself, one of my favorite things to do is make up Tom Waits covers of pop songs. Usually it just sounds like if the Backstreet Boys had spent the last 20 years drinking Wild Turkey on the road. Waits’ version of the classic is subdued, but boiling just beneath the surface with his mystic magic.
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The Daily Id - Issue #2: Entropy's No Love Seat
Sometimes people give me prophecies and sometimes I just read too much into an Escalade load of frat boys yelling “faggot” at me during my morning walk to campus (side note: I know at some point every man is called a homosexual slur by a group of young sexually charged men, but, after talking to friends, I find it happens to me far too often. I don’t know what I’m doing....
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The Daily Id - Issue #1: Sweatin' Whisky/Good...
I’m at the Pourhouse on Kirkwood trying to remember last night with an oily cup of ”Quarry Hole.” But this place is distracting. I get lost analyzing the strange cast of characters this place casts on a daily basis; it’s a strange mix. A gang of homeless men usually congregate in the back to steal the WiFi on a communal laptop, which I imagine gets passed around like the...
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IDS Profile of 6 Bloomington Comics →
Here’s a link to a recent IDS article that profiles some of the mainstays of the local scene. They had some really nice things to say. Also, they called Josh Cocks “big guy” and referred to Jon Hancuff as “the Animal.” They are now my favorite publication.
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Song of the Day: "Cowpoke" by Javelin →
During the spring and summer I usually walk to get around town. Lately this has been my favorite song for the early morning jaunt to campus. Paired with a hardy cup of Blackbeard’s from Soma, 7 A.M. ain’t so bad.
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March 2011
17 posts
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Song of the Day: "I'm A Little Mixed Up" by Betty... →
This is one of those songs that got lost in my iTunes library for long time. I was delighted to hear from it again when I put my library on shuffle; it was like hearing from an old friend.
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Interesting article about the nerd backlash at... →
I have to admit that I haven’t seen this movie, but the poster alone is a nerdgasm overload. Synder has helped usher in the age of nerd hegemony in trendy culture, but of course, as with every paradigm shift, it had to jump the shark at some point. Everything we wanted—Zombie Nazis, scantly dressed hotties with big guns and zeppelins (fucking zeppelins!)—when combined just...
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Song of the Day: "Brittany's Back" by The Love... →
Fell in love with this song very quickly. I love bittersweet melody.
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Song of the Day: "Blank Pages" by The Album Leaf →
This whole album is great to put on and, as Maron would say, “do the big work.”
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WatchThis is Geoff Tate. Besides from being a really sweet guy, he’s also one of the best stand-ups in the country. I’ve been trying to work out on stage why I thought the new Domino’s commercials were hilarious and he put it perfectly. Enjoy.
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Song of the Day: "Run to You" (cover) by Lou... →
Another one of my all-time favorite covers. The original never did much for me, but Barlow brings it down to the dirt and pulls something really primal out of it.
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On my way out of Carmel, I noticed there was a place called “Super Oriental Buffet.” I like to pretend that “Super” modifies “Oriental” and that this is the most racist buffet ever proposed.
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Dispatch from Castillo Blanco
I’ve never really been the type that can sit still and just do the day’s work. It’s not for a lack of determination or ideas, but I need room to pace around and talk to myself; and sitting at a desk simply doesn’t compliment that kind of rambling mind. That’s why I’ve spent the majority of my week long residence here wandering the mean streets of Carmel, IN.
...
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Sometimes I think that the only wisdom I’ll ever posses is when I truly come to understand the immense range of my retardedness.
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The Ides of March
Somewhere deep in the entitled bourgeois womb of Carmel, Indiana I sit in the back of a Starbucks and sip my coffee while watching the housewives play out their daily round of personal prestige chess. They are Grandmasters of passive aggressive slights, Umpa Lumpa colored Bobby Fischers with better tits and only a bit less antisemtic spirit. It’s fantastic to watch their subtle moves. Every...
When you are walking fast in black silk leggings, you look like you are training for the whore olympics. #goteamUSA
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Unpopular Self Help Books/Memoirs
I deleted my Twitter account because I never really used it, but I do miss some of the hashtag games. As I want to start posting more regularly on here, I thought I would incorporate some of those games.
#UnpopularSelfHelpBooks/Memoirs
Conquering Your Fears:
How I Learned to Stop NOT Shooting Abraham Lincoln in the Head
by John Wilkes Booth
What? We Were All Thinking It. I Just Said...
January 2011
12 posts
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♫Song of the Day: "Rano Pano" by Mogwai♫ →
The building/driving sound of Mogwai is the perfect way to start the day if you need to get up for something big or just make buying your morning bagel feel like your in a Wolfgang Petersen movie.
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Why is it that every time I run into some deers, it feels like they were just talking about me?
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♫Song of the Day: "I Will Be There When You Die"... →
This is a song I keep coming back to over the years and each time I love it in a new way.